End of an Era

Yun na yon. End of 14 year journey. 

I’m still processing it, at the same time distracting myself with other things - our upcoming trip, and applying here and there. 

Where and how do I even begin again? 

Spoke Too Soon

And now I’m lost

So eto pala ang actual end of an era.  

Totoo bang future will be okay? Can I take your word for it? 

2 Days to Go

Paano ba magpa modify ng difficulty level?????  

Akala ko okay na, rollercoaster pa rin pala. 

Kapagod mag isip!

Thank you for the roof over our head

Wish ko lang mas ma practice ko ang gratitude in my life! 

Madami naman blessings, sa iba lang ako nakatingin. 

Grateful I get to keep my job (for the time being)

Grateful for the approval ng vacation leave ko at nagkakakulay na ang dream destination trip!

Grateful for my supportive husband and my loving son who always brings me joy.

Grateful for my toxic-free family. 

Grateful for the roof over our head.

Grateful for friends especially those who keep in touch.

3

I can’t even write a proper I miss you letter.

There is no easy way to begin to reflect and grieve your loss because there’s always regret. I always wish I could’ve done more. 

And I always wonder what it would be like to witness you shower Nikolai with love, the way you did with all of your apos. 

And it hurts terribly to think about that. So I move away from those thoughts because it’s just unbearable.

I can’t even honor my grief.

I’m still mad; and I still question things. 

You were kind, and gentle, and beautiful. You were always supportive, and have always shown how proud you were of us, always blessing us with your affirmations. 

You were so many things the world needs more of. 

And it’s so difficult to miss you because there is no road, no door that leads to you. 

Most I can do is to try very very hard to be like you - to be generous, to be thoughtful, to remember important dates, to make sure loved ones are included and no one is left behind, and to be loving and gentle despite the kind of world we’re in.

I love you and miss you always.

082824wed

Nakita ko na yung description “low tolerance to adversity”. 

Ganon pinagdadaanan ko. Parang kada may dumadating, “problema na naman???!!” 

Naubos na agad fighting spirit wala pa man din sa battleground.  

Kelan ba? 

So exhausting! Sana pwede magpahinga. Taympers muna sa intindihin. Pagod na pagod na ko sa walang humpay na pag overthink.

081324tue163204

Surely if I looked harder I'd find all my other drafts. I spent time on them - composing and Googling for much better fit synonyms, and of course filtering my actual thoughts to something I won't regret later on. 


But here we are.


Writing with no direction. Distracted. Drafting something that may or may not make my blog - depending on how soon Nklai wakes from his nap. 


So let's get to the important stuff:

I've come across this question online --

"How do you forgive yourself for the things you did not become?" 

Fuck, right?

"Panghihinayang" doesn't really translate to "regret". But how do people live without both? 

Okay I remember one of my other drafts, talking about the "cards you were dealt" in life. 

I'm not getting anywhere. And this is probably not a good start of a catching up conversation post. 

Sending light and love to my future self, if you have any panghihinayang or regrets, I hope all the good days are still worth it. 

Anyway, the little boss is up.

something infiniteLy interesting