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Tagaytay.

Drizzle.

Starbucks.

Breeze.

Love everything.

Hate everyone.

Andyan na ulet bot what’s the point of trying to drive it away

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Tonight once again, i refuse to be anything else other than a grieving daughter

Another Favorite Compliment

Ali said I should write a book - a memoir or autobiography of some sort. He used Dave Grohl’s as an example. 

This is added to the list of favorite compliments from him alongside describing me as a modern woman and choosing me bs all the guitars in the world (hypothetically).  

I asked if the book should be completely unfiltered (otherwise what’s the point), we only laughed about it - because que horro!  

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We went to SM Molino for lunch and pag uwi namin inupo ko si Nklai sa dining chair to remove his slippers. I placed the slippers down sa tabi/foot of the dining chair and he proceeded to pick them up and nilagay dun sa mat by the door where slippers/outside shoes are normally placed pagka remove. 

Syempre impressed na naman ako. 

I hope all parents get to experience that pride and really pay attention to all the little things our children do.

This is a privilege I do not take for granted; being able to work from home and spend almost 24/7 with family.

#23months (almost)

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All the Burps and Farts

People talk about how tiring motherhood is. And how it takes toll on our bodies, the changes, that negatively impacts the mother according to mundane beauty standards (except for the pregnancy boobs, which my breasts did not get a note of).  

And immediately isa sa topic natin upon the knowledge of your pregnancy.

But in attempt to outnumber the scare, I want to let you know that motherhood is soooo much more than that. This changes you in different levels, and you will be so surprised of your capacity. 

You will be so in touch with your emotions and they are magnified almost all the time. 

You will be beaming with pride with your LOs’ milestone, whether they reach it at the average expected time, ahead, and even if they take their time. 

Mauna, mahuli, grabe yung pagka proud mo sa unang beses nila gawin each gesture.

The first time you see them clap, that will be the best moment of clapping for you. And when they start to talk, meaningless syllables will be music to your ears.

Their first smile will melt your heart and let your guard down.

You will be very concerned at the most “trivial” human experience. At some point, another person’s burps and farts will be one of your greatest worries. 

There will be so many “you have to be there” funny moments na minsan hindi na masasakyan ng outsider coz this experience is yours and unique sa inyong little circle. 

Your heart will feel like it would burst out of love. And you’d be mad at the world for not being good enough, yet you’d be filled with gratitude as all the moments - the ones you chose and the ones that were brought upon you, led you to being the mom of your little ones.  

Yes motherhood is tiring. God it’s exhausting!  

But it’s equally a transformative experience! 

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A 20 Year Throwback

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In 2006, I met Thesaurus

 

... probably even earlier than 2006, pero my gosh, this old blog together with my earlier posts here and my Photobucket they all can go away lol.  

Sobrang cringe.

Why am I like this?!  

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I deleted notes on my phone ng mga (formula) feeding ni Baniko nung infant pa sya, pero parang ayaw ko burahin yung mga times na nakapag latch sya sakin.

Sobrang triggered pa rin ako sa failed breastfeeding namin kahit pinaglalaban ko palagi sa utak ko na "Fed is best".  

Sana wala na ibang mothers naka experience ng gantong feeling. 

You are the perfect mother for your child, so give yourself grace!

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Honey Mustard and more Random Ganaps and Kwento

Ang sarap nung salad na pnrep ko! Sana magustuhan ni Alidogz.  

Ingredients: 

Lettuce

Bellpepper

Tomato

Apple slices

Chicken breastfillet seasoned with salt, pepper and thyme, pan-fried in garlic butter.

Dressing: Honey Mustard  

Update:

Masarap daw

Sabi ni Alidogz okay daw mag salad para wala hugasan.

Bruhhh

Kakahugas ko lang nung pan na pinagprituhan ng chicken breast. 

Good thing sa 2 weeks namin wala yaya nakakasurvive kami coz ccontribute naman sya ng part nya.

Pero syempre mabaliwbaliw na naman ako sa pagka overstimulized. Napaparami screentime ni Baniko especially pag tinatry ko mag household chores.

Anywayyyyyyy

Ayaw ko na mag SocMed! Sana mabawasan ko na mga 76%  

I can't help but feel discontent dahil sa comparison, which is the rootcause of all unhappiness. 

Although I know whatever people post, hindi yun ang real picture for them. We all have our struggles.  

But ewan. I guess I was just expecting more from life. 

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Eto gusto ko i-Tweet, pero sabi ko nga ayaw ko muna mag SocMed so icconsolidate ko na lang lahat ng hanash ko tapos ibblog ko na lang.

1. Ang sakit ng likod ko sa isang load ng laundry! Nakatipid sa bayad sa laundromat, pero mapapagastos naman yata sa massage!  

I probably need to have another PT session, but katamad pumunta sa clinic! I miss my Home carePT sessions! Bakit kasi natanggal!

2. I know na gusto ni Nklai ng mangoes. I was ready to slice yung kalahati na natira nya but tnry ko na rin muna apple for a change.  

Buti naman kinain nya! 

Kahapon nung nakita nya sa table yung apple, he exclaimed "appo".

Akala ko I misheard him, so I asked, "Do you know what this is?" 

"Yuh"  

"What is it?"  

"Appo"  

Haaay kakaproud naman, di ko naman yun explicitly tinuro, but I think sa mga posters nya, books, and maybe sa TV nya natutunan.

**

Banban watching Peppa na naglalaro ng Snakes and Ladders. She rolled 3 on her dice and started counting.

Peppa: "One, two, three"

Baniko: "po, bai" (4, 5...) 

**

10/19 RATNDT

This is more on the funny side and negligence on mine. 

I removed the straw adapter of the water bottle he was holding. Few moments later his Dada stepped out of the room and said Nklai gave him water, while he was sleeping!! Lol

tl;dr muntik na malunod si Alidogz kasi binuhusan ni Nklai ng tubig sa bibig habang tulog lol

**

Tingko tingkoo *mumblejumble* staaah

"No ma A B shi"  

- Baniko's nursery rhyme lyrics

**

Why am I getting missed calls from Africa?!

Sierra Leone? Ethiopia?

Puro spam na rin WhatsApp no?

** 

Dami naman recent ganap, photodump na lang ulet.....

.. bukas

Hay last day morning shift, puyat na nilalang again on Sunday 

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At the end of all the hanash, nag sign pa rin ako with new company.

What a rollercoaster, and I'm still strapped in.

Sa totoo lang, ang dami kong regret.

Biruin mo over a decade na ko dito, hindi ko pa rin maituring sarili ko na "technical".

Dati sinabihan ako ni BFF something along the lines "di mo maiintindihan kasi di ka interesado", and I felt so defensive.

Pero now, parang ganon talaga.

I don't even try umakyat even a single step dahil I know na lahat sila mas magaling kesa sakin or lahat sila may background.

Throughout these years, hindi ako nag focus to actualy be knowledgeable about this field.

Eye opening yung naging "application" ko, dahil even mag IT Help Desk, hindi ako confident.

So now, kasabay ng workplace conundrum - another chapter na naman po kami ng Yaya Serye.

Sana naman may magtagal more than 6 months.

I didn't ask Yumi to stay kasi alam ko she's far off doing better things.

But like all those who left, medyo emotional sakin.

Feeling ko kasi hindi yung job ang nirereject, but si Nklai.

I know that's probably not the case but that's just how I feel.

And new level of separation anxiety na si Nklai.

He's really looking for his "Ati"

"Ati, oh no, nana"

Kakadurog ng puso.

And dahil sa lahat ng stress ko sa mga ganap.

Gigil na gigil na naman mga pimples ko!

Hay, kelan ba ko gaganda?!

Yung sabay yung payat and kinis.

Also, kelan ba ko matututo to speak positively to myself?!

   

New Chapter ng Yaya Serye

Mukhang mahaba haba pa tong journey namin! 

Sana mag steady muna! 

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I honestly hope I find peace with my decision. 

But first I hope I find clarity.  

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2nd Heaven Birthday

"Handled" today better than last year, but really it just the stronger repression of sorrow.  

I will grieve properly, someday.  

I miss you Mommy

I love you forever

I want a break

  

But I can't

:(  

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Hindi naman sa ingrata ako, pero pagka bukas ko ng laptop to log in for my shift, I felt a wave of misery.

Gusto ko na mag quit, pero paano na yung pang Boracay ni bb.

Hay I feel trapped 

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Yaaay!

I think that worked for now; changing the URL threw off the bot traffic.  

I can't decide if I want to keep it this way, as the isolation feels peaceful right now.

With that feeling of security, I'll probably breathe, cry, sing in writing like my girl Anais Nin wanted me to.  

Thought vomit: 

I want to get out of the tech field, but it seems I'm stuck.

I've been in this industry for 13 years yet I still don't consider myself technical!  

And where would I go?  

And how would I contribute to our household if I start all over?  

It feels this whole "transition to HCL" conundrum is a way out for me, but I need security and assurance more than ever.  

I'm too old to be confused! Too old to not have a path.  

I feel so lost right now.  

And these negative feelings come with cravings!  

For connection - but, that's for another time.  

Speaking of cravings, I kinda want to have midnight snack even though I am already overweight!  

I have zero self control!!  🙃   

More random photos:  

Shoefie at Starbucks Reserve Westgate

Just some random old photo showcasing how much I look like my son

Hotdogs

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Paano ba mamblock ng bot traffic

Scary naman baka malicious traffic or what. So old pa man din ng account na to, very vulnerable huhu 

13th Landiversary: Team A Boracay 2023

Banban's first plane ride and Mommy and Dadda's first post pandemic(?) travel outside Luzon.

Tips and Tricks for bringing toddler to Boracay

Charot lang sa tips. The trick is to have plenty of money so you can afford the convenience it can buy.

Pero ours is lower middle class family version byahe lang.

I've seen the Reels and memes of Moms planning and preparing everything for family trips and the Dads just pack their own stuff and drive/come on the date of the trip.

It was first funny, but quickly turned annoying lol.

Pero toxic trait ko rin to try to control everyting, then get mad because I'm not getting any help.

But ayun, wala naman kami naiwan papunta, except for Instax film T_T.

In fairness naman to Alidogz, he took care of Plakplook's accommodation at Park 'n Fly.

I was nervous for Nklai's first plane ride and even brought his headphones. I bought this when he was only few months old because I legit thought he gets startled by his Dad's snoring lol.

We didn't have the need to use them on the plane though. He fell asleep as soon as it took off.

But he was sooo likot while we were waiting to board. He was entertained by all the new things he saw at the airport and wanted to run around to see everything.

Dun namin nilabas ang pinagbabawal na teknik. Ms Rachel downloaded video on YouTube to the rescue. Ilang beses rin ginamit ang technique na to throughout our trip. 

It was tad bit cloudy when we landed. I had been monitoring Accuweather for about a month prior. The forecast was not in our favor.

But throughout our trip, mga few ambon and cloudy skies lang na experience namin. The occasional rain ay natatapat pa on Banban's nap time and we're in our hotel room.

I couldn't be more grateful!

It's been 9 years since my first Boracay trip. It's nice to experience the island during off-peak season.

And madami na din mga new restaurants, magastos nga lang!

I asked for recommendation from folks who I know traveled there recently. I even asked about places to explore other than the White Beach but it's proven to be tougher with a todder in tow.

Kidding aside, here are my actual tips. And yes, money is required.

1. Book beach front / close to the beach resorts. Bear in mind, sometimes yung mga popular resort na "beachfront" daw pero ang haba ng property abot na kabilang side ng main road - and nandun yung mga cheaper rooms nila.

2. If you are travelling with smaller children, consider bringing a carrier. The transfer from port to boat can be a hassle if you don't have both your hands free.

Mahaba ang lalakaran sa floating port, mahirap to carry a child and try to keep your balance.

3. There's a place where you can rent stroller with large wheels that work on sand.

4. Prepare loose change for tryk fare - minsan they don't give sukli. A short trip could costs P25 per person.

5. For children who are still using diapers, you can buy supplies at Watson's to free up luggage space.

6. For toddler 1+ practice using straw prior to your trip -- see if your little one accepts cow's milk so instead of bringing + washing tons of feeding bottles you can offer tetra milk which you can also buy in the island.

7. Consider bringing waterproof sand-free blanket to use on the beach. Laying beach towel on sand will absorb water, making it heavy to bring back to the hotel/resort. Renting a banig starts at P100 (even if you'll only use it for couple of hours)!!

8. Do your research/crowd-sourcing ahead. I got excellent recommendation from friends and family.

Accommondation = Patio Pacific

good location; short walk to the beach

Child-friendly buffet breakfast option

Nice pool

Friendly Staff; and prompt response whenever we have requests

They upgraded our room

cons:

no elevator, not senior-friendly if you get an upper floor room

not beachfront

Restaurants 

Sunny Side Cafe

Gotobox

Kolai Mangyan

Jonah's

Ice Flakes

Spicebird

Muchos

Kumbo Japanese Bistro

At syempre:

Starbucks

Jollibee

Andok's

I never met a sunset I didn't like

This monthly shift transition is both blessing and a curse. Back to midshift means goodbye afternoon gala with Banban! It rained quite a chunk in July; missed opportunity for afternoon walk and play outside. 

Sumocial life almost the entire month (rest days) of July, and a little bit of midweek gala here and there. So ayun, need mag tipid this August and wala din naman choice because of chaka schedule. 

**

RATNDT:

08/09

Woke me up and handed his toy car.

Later that morning while I was in the kitchen nagsasaing.

Lumabas sya ng bedroom and said "Mommmmeee" then handed me my phone.

 **

I will definitely miss his Minion phase! I've been recording some of his morning daldal, and I swear, it's like he has sensor or something, tumatahimik few seconds in.

Anyway, after declaring "Our Spot" as our spot md buying camping/outdoor foldable chair from Decathlon, hindi na ulit kami nakabalik dun. And not sure how things will change sa portion na yun of Daang Hari as tito Manny has formally opened Villar City. 

Easier to get to GMA and Manila Memorial Park from our apartment, only for limited hours in the day for now, which is 0600-1800.

Photodump para sa mga taong walang maisip na closing remarks.

Banban and Mama na mahigpit kapit sa kamay

We had lunch at that gigantic café in Pampanga 

What is theworst cafe in Baliuag and why is it EC Cafe. Charrr! Sorry na, live band and coffee is just not our thing. Eto lang bukas though after namin mag Oppenheimer

Goodbye all the good habits of BLW dahil carbs na lang sya palagi

Pangarap namin ng madaming parks to go to, pero tiis na lang muna Manila Memorial Park, visiting lola and ggm, ggp

Cousins playtime

Cousins playtime

Mga mahal ko sa buhay

Rainy R+R Wedding

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I'm okay

It's still very much a struggle -- trying to process all these feelings of Mommy's passing.

It is as loud as it can be in my heart, but goes quietly, unnoticed. 
There are days I would feel this ridiculously intense panghihinayang; as intense as my love for my son. Quickly followed by anger. Bakit di sila nag abot?! 
Why didnt he get to receive the amazing love his lola has to give. She has so much love to give, it's almost unbelievable after all of her suffering.

But all these feelings, has to be put aside. Because there's usually an errand awaiting, or cause I don't have space, or it's too much that my energy literally gets depleted.
There's always an excuse. Then I would feel guilty afterwards, for not mourning properly.
For smiling and laughing, for "moving on". But there's absolutely no moving on, it's only coping a little bit.
And I don't think anybody understands, and so for anyone asking, the answer would always be "I'm okay". 

I don’t know what they are called, the spaces between seconds – but I think of you always in those intervals.

- Salvador Plascencia, The People of Paper

I can't fix it

Gusto ko lang naman makipag kwentuhan sa sarili ko

Bakit ba ayaw ako tantanan ng bot traffic na to?! Huhu  

Aaannyway

Happy Father's Day to all Dads and father figure in this world.

At sa mga amang nang-iwan ng responsibilidad nila, sana hindi masarap ulam nyo forever!  

  

.....

Sabi ni Daddy, natuwa daw sya sa greeting ko. 

Pero a few moments later frenemies na ulet kami; nabweset na naman pagkakita ng ink ko. Bakit kasi ko nag sleeveless lol.  

Pero sa totoo labg, natuwa rin ako na natuwa sya. 

I'm still processing grief kaya too emotional ako while composing that.  

I-post ko dito or gawa na lang ako bago blog? 

Saan ba secured na libre?

Actually meron din ako sa Wordpress, pero secret yon. Kasi puro negativity hanash in life. 

Pero eto hanash ulet:

Gusto ko mag beach bummin awra sa Boracay, kaso ang taba ko huhu

Di ko ma shed tong 10kgs kabuwanan weight ko!  

I miss you mid-20s metabolism! 

I'm not asking for kalansay weight. Gusto ko lang pre-pregnancy body back.

Hayst! 

....

Random Banikolai and Mama picture:

Kakatawa kasi dami nya picture na mid-kurap, parang signature pose ni lola nya.

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Thought Vomit + Photo Dump

I don't know how to get rid of the bot traffic.  

So bahala na; post na lang rin with matching dasal na walang malicious traffic/ phishing na maganap.   

 

Some 10ish years ago, running joke namin ni Danica na may ADHD ako dahil sa short attention span ko. 

But now parang gusto ko talaga mag visit sa therapist to verify. ADHD Inattentive; that is my own diagnosis based on my psychology background of Google.edu lol. 

"pencil+paper-made.lost in a daydream.childish.beloved.submissive.resilient"

How long have I been lost in a daydream?  

Anyway, sana mag practice na ulit ako mag drive + park.  

And sana ma-try ko mag expressway.   

I set up an appointment sa salon about 11 minutes away from here. May parking space, but jusko ninenerbyos na ko just thinking about going there alone.

And the trucks and tryks along DRT ay napaka unforgiving. And let's not get started sa mga motor na kamote riders. 

Update: Andito na ko sa salon. Hinatid ako as usual, dahil umatras na naman ako sa plan kong drive myself here

We had breakfast at Aling Remy's Serkele.

Goto lang kinain ko dahil I'm boring like that.  

Puro lang ako si kape.

Kaya ayun nung isang araw Sirius Espresso Rainy Day Edition kami.  

Cafe photo dump slash Banban's Pictorial.

Side kwento: pagkakita ni Nikolai ng baha, kumanta sya ng "Row, row, row your boat" ☠️☠️☠️

Smile smile pero grabe magpa habol sa stairs

Cliche "Days and nights are ong but the years are fast"  

Mukha na sya bata! Where did my baby go?

Nakalimutan ko title nung isang order namin, but so sarap

Sya din emo shot

Ang tataba! Yaw ko na magpa picture forever!!

Labang tide ako dito

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Bot Traffic

Ayaw tumigil ng bot traffic. 

Must find out how to fix this.

My signature is a lie.  There's absolutely nothing interesting to see here.

Go away bots!  

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Sunday Glitch and the Tale of the Impostor NOC

Ako yun, the impostor NOC Engineer running commands and asking each and every outputs' meaning and next plan of action.  

It's Sunday wee hours. Husband and I are both on graveyard shift.

I'm sitting, slouching rather kasi di ko na magawang career-in tong mga tickets.  

I'm now contemplating if I should order something,  pang stress eating, kaso according to APE result and all my masisikip na damit, I'm overweight na!

How about you, what's up?

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Third Time's a Charm?

Minamanifest ko na makakapagpa APE na ko bukas! 

Medyo nakakahiya na sa nag a-arrange ng appointment ni Medicard. 

But then, andami daw tao sa Festi clinic at inabot na ng more than 6 hours kanina si Drigs, and mas marami pa daw bukas?  

Hay.

Gusto ko lang naman tigilan na pakikipaglokohan sa sarili ko, at mag diet na talaga pagsinabi na Obese ako! 

Bye salty, sweet, and fattyfood a.k.a. masasarap n pagkain?

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Magkano Meralco Bill Nyo?

Sa'min, 6k ngayon, 485 kWh total consumption. 

Paki comfort naman ako sa taas ng bill nyo. Pag mas mababa, wag mo na i-comment.

Bye!

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I still miss her terribly. It's still fresh that even grocery shopping at Puregold brings me to tears. I stood by the cooking oil and sauces aisle thinking about you and how much I miss you. 

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Mother's Day Papagod

I intend to over share here, share my kwento to my future self

BEFORE

AFTER

Booked an hour play at Kindercity NOMO. Akala ko konti lang pumupunta dun, sakto lang rin pala dami tao.

Sobra lang sa pagod, hyper na ni Nklai.  

Oh the parenting woes in your mid-30s. 

Bago umuwi, me to Alidogz "Please lang, wag sa Dear Joe". 

So ayun Starbucks, drive-thru + parking lot cocol na lang ang parents. Na-K.O. din kasi ang bb.

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Random Adorable Things Nikolai Did Today

05/01

1. Making Donald drink by placing the (closed) water bottle by his beak.

05/02

1. Dada asked for a hug and he immediately gave it

2. I told him to tell Donald not to touch the electricfan. He gestured "no" with his pointing finger while looking at Donald

05/03

1. Emerged from the bedroom door when he woke up and both Momma and Dada arent there beside him.

He slipped coz of his socks and let out a cute "ahh oooh" 

05/04

1. I gave him half of the empty Arla box and cleaned it so he can play with the cap. 

I told him he can only play with it today. Tomorrow he has to "put it in the T-R-A-S-H". I spelled it in the intention that he wouldn't do it right now. But he walked straight to the bin. 

2. Me: "Dance with Donald", then I started singing Head Shoulders Knees and Toes. He placed his hands on Donald's head the way I do to him when we sing the song!

05/05  

1. Per Yumi's kwento: She tripped and fell to her knees and told Nikolai in an almost crying tone that it hurts. 

Nklai looked seriously worried and starts fixing Yumi's hair.

I got kilig because that is how I usually comfort him when he falls.

05/09 

1. Boy had been so picky but will always choose white rice. During dinner, he was scooping off of ate Yumi's plate!

05/12

1. Signed "more" at the sight of milk. Wrong sign language, but cute excitement! 

2. I asked him "Nikolai, do you want us to sing some songs?" 

He didn't say "Yes" but started singing "Heaaaaddd..(while touching his head)"

05/14  

1. Nklai and I were walking towards the park, and he suddenly yelled "Dada, Dada, Dada". 

I turn my back and saw his Dada walking few meters behind us.

2. Boss carried Nklai and told him to kiss bomb Mama, then greeted "Happy Mother's Day".

Mmmaaa - sound of his kiss "mwah".

05/15 

1. Suspecting that he confuses waving bye to all waves (even for hello), I tried to model waving hello to him more.

When Yumi came in the room, he waved and said "bye". 

As I continue to wave I told him, we say hello instead. Yumi and I were repeating "hello" then suddenly Nklai put his palm against his ear, as if saying "hello" to an incoming mobile phone call.

2. Shared his water cup to Hamstie (poking his eyes though, instead of his mouth/snout).

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