3

I can’t even write a proper I miss you letter.

There is no easy way to begin to reflect and grieve your loss because there’s always regret. I always wish I could’ve done more. 

And I always wonder what it would be like to witness you shower Nikolai with love, the way you did with all of your apos. 

And it hurts terribly to think about that. So I move away from those thoughts because it’s just unbearable.

I can’t even honor my grief.

I’m still mad; and I still question things. 

You were kind, and gentle, and beautiful. You were always supportive, and have always shown how proud you were of us, always blessing us with your affirmations. 

You were so many things the world needs more of. 

And it’s so difficult to miss you because there is no road, no door that leads to you. 

Most I can do is to try very very hard to be like you - to be generous, to be thoughtful, to remember important dates, to make sure loved ones are included and no one is left behind, and to be loving and gentle despite the kind of world we’re in.

I love you and miss you always.