Sunday, November 28, 2021

Pictures to Follow "DIY" Maternity Shoot Post

We stayed at Farm Hills Garden few weeks ago for my "DIY" Maternity Shoot slash Jr Artes kiddie pool party slash may pa surprise Baby Shower pala.
I don't even know where to begin with my gratitude. 
I feel like, my friends have been more than generous when Mommy passed. 
Still, they threw a shower for our little one and made my heart full. 

DIY Maternity shoot was not exactly done by ourselves. Dan's husband, Mr. Rudio ang photographer namin. 
He's a talented photographer, and I'm grateful he said yes to take our photos. 
Wala naman ako demands or what not, pero ang bongga, parang ilang cameras din dala nya. He's still working on post processing. Excited na ko to see the output. I plan to have some of them printed on a photobook. 
Mas mauuna pa talaga to kesa sa wedding album namin. 
Donna, Doe's sister did my makeup. 

After dinner, kaya pala nauna na magsi balikan sa room yung iba, they were already setting up their surprise. 
Hindi nila ko nakalimutan this time papuntahin sa venue (unlike nung Bridal Shower ko, another kwento - na hindi ko pa rin nagawaan ng post). 
It probably worked to their advantage na medyo matagal i-process ng restaurant yung bill. 

Dan baked the cake and cupcakes. Reiko made the cake toppers and had the balloons set up. 
I was wondering kelan nila pnrep yon - di ko namalayan kahit medyo tabi tabi lang rooms namin. 
I previously sent my "wishlist" to Mina and Doe. They all got me something from the list. 
Sobrang grateful ko - pinigilan ko lang talaga maiyak kasi my face gets sooooo puffy at may pictorial pa kami in the morning lol.
Na-feel ko rin na na-happy si Ali and he also did not see it coming. 
We're truly blessed with amazing people around us. 

Marami na rin kami natanggap na gifts prior to this shower.
Swerte rin na maraming cousins na boys at mapapakinabangan namin mga ginamit and napag liitan nila. 

Di ko maiwasang malungkot though, kasi ganto yung mga kwento na gusto ko i-share kay Mommy. I guess, ganon talaga, it cannot be helped. 
She would have been happy to hear the details of the shower;  also she would have probably get her bunsong apo something thoughtful. 
Actually, kahit mga mini kwento, she was always happy to hear them; gusto nya yun keeping up with us. 
Number 1 liker daw ni Ali si Mommy sa Facebook. Nalungkot din ako kasi I know ganon din sya makibalita samin magkakapatid and her apos; bukod sa family group chat. Pero since ayaw ko mag Facebook, I tried to reach out to her otherways, not sure if it were enough. 
I just miss her terribly. 

On another note, di ko na sure kung kelan kami due. I'm excited to meet our son. His kicks are getting stronger, as if I need to be reminded that a little person is in my womb. 
 Naguluhan na ko sa due date ko dahil di match early scan vs LMP. My OB wants us to follow LMP but all other resource tell me that early dating scan ang mas accurate. 
Wish ko lang, wag saktong Christmas or New Year. 
So many things to prepare for. 
You keep me going my little one. I can't wait to meet you! 









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Friday, November 19, 2021

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There was this older lady in my dream last night - I was sort of assisting her come down the stairs. The feeling of her arm on my mine felt exactly the same when Mommy used to hold my arm for balance.
There are moments I find peace, but oftentimes the pain of missing her is unbearable. 






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Wednesday, October 27, 2021

some days are just far more difficult than the others

I just miss you terribly Mommy. The pain hasn't eased one bit.

Tuesday, October 12, 2021

Bakitnawawalamgaimages

Wala akong time and energy ayusin ang blog ko ngayon. Bakit broken links ang mga images?!  

I wonder how many we need sa mga items ng babies. Feeling ko ang dami naming binili onesies, then biglang nag send sila k'A ng mga pamana ng kambal, all in excellent condition. 

So ano ba mga dapat i-hoard ko now para hindi sabay sabay gastos in the future.

It's almost mid October, baka less than 3 months, andito na our little one. Hayyy, my dear little cauliflower head, sana nag abot kayo ni Lola mo. She was the most loving person in Mommy's life.
But don't worry, you will definitely know about her sa mga kwento namin. I will make sure that she will also be an inspiration in your life.



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Monday, October 04, 2021

Grief and the Illusion of its 7 Stages

October 1st seems twice farther from September 8th compared to September 30th.
Feeling ko, hindi pa ko nakapag properly grieve, if there's even such a thing. 
Kapag may nangangamusta my generic answer is "I'm okay. Coping" or "malungkot, pero nakakapag function". But truth be told, what's only happening is I'm allowing myself to be distracted. Whenever it gets quiet, I get wrecked by the reality na wala si Mommy.
Simula nung nawala sya, everything felt like one  procedure after another ~ quarantine, swab test, memorial/cremation, and of course looking after Daddy, and trying to stay strong for our little one.
In between those moment, I grieve quietly. I guess fortunate enough ako that I can cry and breakdown if I need to. No prying eyes na kailangan kong alalahanin.
Maggie has twiced asked Ate "Until when are you going to be sad?". I know I wouldn't have an answer to that.

I just miss her so much. All her versions, except maybe the one that suffers. Ang hirap ma witness, her frail body giving up on her. Kaya doble ang sakit e. Kasi ang daming regret. I wish we could've done more.

I also wanted more. When I got pregnant, she started sharing her pregnancy experience and symptoms - stories I have never heard before. I felt closer to her; hearing her personal experience. I've known her all my life, and at that point I was delighted that we still can get closer. But that has ended.

I really wanted more. 



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Wednesday, September 22, 2021

Sands in my clutching hands

I thought if I focus on the fact that there is no more pain and suffering for you now,  I would be somewhat comforted. But everything else is gone.
Your joy, your love, all your amazing qualities that makes everybody else pale in comparison

Tonight, on the 2nd week that you have passed, it feels like Day 0 again
I cant believe youre no longer here
I cant accept that you are no longer with us

I hope you had a better life
You did not deserve the suffering you endured




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Sunday, September 12, 2021

Rest now, Aurora

Last night I felt my son moved. I lifted my shirt and Ali and I were delighted with sight of the subtle waves on my belly. 
I immediately thought of how I wanted to share it with you.

Mommy, the pain of losing you is nothing like I've felt before. And I will learn to live with it. I will smile, get excited, laugh, and appear normal again, but I will never be the same.
Sa lahat ng future joys and triumph ko, I will always think about you.

We failed you Mommy. I'm sorry. It makes me sick to my stomach looking at the material things we got you. Yung mga natambak lang na kung anu-ano. Pero we weren't there when it mattered.

Nakakagalit to think about the things you went through.
I hate this fucking pandemic. But truth is I hate myself more, dahil kulang effort namin.
Hindi sapat. Huli na.

Thank you for teaching me love and generosity. Ang last bilin mo sakin is to not stress so much. I will try to do just that, afterall, I witnessed your strength sa lahat ng pinagdaanan mo. If I can just be half as strong as you were, I know I'll survive.

No more pain now Mommy, rest now. I love you and I will miss you always.



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