Grief and the Illusion of its 7 Stages

October 1st seems twice farther from September 8th compared to September 30th.
Feeling ko, hindi pa ko nakapag properly grieve, if there's even such a thing. 
Kapag may nangangamusta my generic answer is "I'm okay. Coping" or "malungkot, pero nakakapag function". But truth be told, what's only happening is I'm allowing myself to be distracted. Whenever it gets quiet, I get wrecked by the reality na wala si Mommy.
Simula nung nawala sya, everything felt like one  procedure after another ~ quarantine, swab test, memorial/cremation, and of course looking after Daddy, and trying to stay strong for our little one.
In between those moment, I grieve quietly. I guess fortunate enough ako that I can cry and breakdown if I need to. No prying eyes na kailangan kong alalahanin.
Maggie has twiced asked Ate "Until when are you going to be sad?". I know I wouldn't have an answer to that.

I just miss her so much. All her versions, except maybe the one that suffers. Ang hirap ma witness, her frail body giving up on her. Kaya doble ang sakit e. Kasi ang daming regret. I wish we could've done more.

I also wanted more. When I got pregnant, she started sharing her pregnancy experience and symptoms - stories I have never heard before. I felt closer to her; hearing her personal experience. I've known her all my life, and at that point I was delighted that we still can get closer. But that has ended.

I really wanted more. 

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Sands in my clutching hands

I thought if I focus on the fact that there is no more pain and suffering for you now,  I would be somewhat comforted. But everything else is gone.
Your joy, your love, all your amazing qualities that makes everybody else pale in comparison

Tonight, on the 2nd week that you have passed, it feels like Day 0 again
I cant believe youre no longer here
I cant accept that you are no longer with us

I hope you had a better life
You did not deserve the suffering you endured

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Rest now, Aurora

Last night I felt my son moved. I lifted my shirt and Ali and I were delighted with sight of the subtle waves on my belly. 

I immediately thought of how I wanted to share it with you.

Mommy, the pain of losing you is nothing like I've felt before. And I will learn to live with it. I will smile, get excited, laugh, and appear normal again, but I will never be the same.
Sa lahat ng future joys and triumph ko, I will always think about you.

We failed you Mommy. I'm sorry. It makes me sick to my stomach looking at the material things we got you. Yung mga natambak lang na kung anu-ano. Pero we weren't there when it mattered.

Nakakagalit to think about the things you went through.
I hate this fucking pandemic. But truth is I hate myself more, dahil kulang effort namin.
Hindi sapat. Huli na.

Thank you for teaching me love and generosity. Ang last bilin mo sakin is to not stress so much. I will try to do just that, afterall, I witnessed your strength sa lahat ng pinagdaanan mo. If I can just be half as strong as you were, I know I'll survive.

No more pain now Mommy, rest now. I love you and I will miss you always.

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Stranded in Bulacan slash Lakwatsa First, Ligo Later

What we thought was going to be an over the weekend uwi, got stretched longer than expected. 

Tiw got her first (Philippine) car. Akala namin marerelease agad hindi pala, hanggang sa inabot na kami ng MECQ. Buti na lang ang sarap kumain dito huhu. More more gulay. So happy ni Buboy - not official name, pero nickname na binigay ni Jaden after nyang maka move on sa name na Santiago huhu. Please stop my 7 year old nephew from watching too much soap on YouTube.

Emergency damit shopping at Unitop Baliuag 

binili ko yang green shorts, ang kyot wampipti lang

Ang saya mag ikot dito. Na fulfill ko ang 30 min light exercise ko sa lawak ng nilakad namin. 

Pero ang daming extrang dinampot na wala naman sa listahan.

Mga wala sa listahang na add to cart at na checkout:

Stretched Canvas

Bundle of Facial Tissue

Wipes

Duster para kay Mommy

Some wall hooks

Quality Time with Jj and getting some Vit D 

look at his cute sploot

Jj vs stray kitten

Picked up Tiw's car 

First Philippine car, dahil nung na stranded din sya US last year coz of COVID (which was only supposed to be Christmas vacay), ikinuha na rin sya dun ni Papa ng car so she can get around LA at madali lang when going to work (commute takes more than couple of hours but driving takes less than an hour). 

Lakwatsa First, Ligo Later

Got to experience Tiw's driving; we head over to CAFÉ+ Coffee.Brunch.Dessert. 

Dahil ang kyot sa Instagram at natakam ako sa cookies.

Ang sarap ng kape. Boss got White Island, pero since nilimit ko caffeine ko, nag Strawberry Yogurt Smoothie na lang ako. Masarap din, pero I got so hinayang dahil ang sarap talaga ng kape nila. 

Seriously these brownies!!! 

So ayun, sana makauwi na kami. Bakit ang daming checkpoint dito?! 

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Tobias' Birthday Weekend at The Bayleaf Cavite

Obviously irrelevant na mga details about whether or not they accept kids dahil ever changing ang community quarantine status. 

But back in July, Claude was able to get us rooms so we can celebrate Toby's 2nd birthday. 

 

We spent 2 nights but in 2 separate rooms - 1 Deluxe Queen Room and 1 Deluxe Triple room.

I don't know the breakdown but for 2 nights, total cost was P15,600 including buffet breakfast for all of us (5 adults).

Of course the main attraction was the gigantic pools. 

Hirap lang i-enjoy on our first night/first morning dahil madami pa tao. 

Claude had some of her other friends over din; booked in other rooms. She had everyone do antigen testing since she has an RN friend who has connection to getting cheaper test kits.

The hotel also had free antigen testing, strangely, for guests 5yo-17yo and seniors. IDK bakit parang baliktad. 

 

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My Current Favorite Hobby is Lifting my Shirt and Observing my Growing Belly

I can't really say I can't believe it's happening - but wow, okay here we go, 17 weeks pregnant.

I'm excited and terrified at the same time. 

I have absolute zero experience and less than bare minimum knowledge when it comes to child rearing. But I have my husband; I'm not doing it alone. I have no doubt he'd be an amazing father.

 

The first trimester was a struggle, but every time I get an ultrasound, or hear baby's heartbeat, I get a new kind of kilig. 

We're now on second trimester and still have about 20 ++ weeks to go. What an undertaking, but also a blessing. 

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Extensive Coron 2019 Adventure Kwento

Extensive Coron 2019 Adventure Kwento

This is the kwento of the Coron "adventure" we had back in August of 2019. 

I usually just wait for seat sale ng Cebu Pacific because I'm kuripot like that. So some of these travel fall on off peak season, like this one, August. 

Part of my itinerary planning is asking friends and researching good places to eat, comparing prices of accommodations, and making silip using Google Streetview to find out what's in the area. 

A lot of our choices were influenced by friend RR kasi kakagaling lang nya dun few months back. 

We booked our stay at Coron Ecolodge. Excellent location. The mattress was not comfortable though. Masyadong malambot, lumulubog ako, mas bet kapag slightly firm ang mattress. 

Sobrang hype ni RR sakin dito sa Carl's BBQ. We were seated in a nice little kubo at the back of the restaurant. It was not very busy that early afternoon, but it still took a while for our oder to get to us.  

Jusko, ang dry ng ribs nila. Na-markahan tuloy ni Alidogz si RR, at duda na sya sa lahat ng mga recommendation nya. LOL. 

 

Nung hapon, umidlip muna si Boss coz galing shift. Naglakad lakad ako nearby area. Naghanap ako ng mabibilhan ng mga naiwan - including payongs na iniwan sa airport coz bawal sa handcarry huhu. 

Pag gising ni Alidogz sa beauty rest nya, we went out again for some lakad lakad, street foodtrip, and some drinks to cap the first day.

It was still rainy the next day. Inadjust nung agency tours namin because di allowed ang open sea travel, which was supposed to happen pag punta namin sana ng Black Island. 

Nag Ultimate Tour na lang muna kami and saw beautiful sights; still mesmerizing despite the rain. 

Kayangan Lake

Twin Lagoon

Skeleton Wreck

Coral Garden 

CYC Beach 

Shout out nga pala kay Juicy for offering her action cam. 2nd time na namin nagamit, first was in Maldives. We should really buy our own. 

Lunch was served sa mini kubo right by one of the huge granite rock formations.  

Across our hotel, were rows of restaurants and cafe. 

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